Slave eklipsen

Now I want to masturbate to my own profile picture 😃 What a thrill, I am now owned again, my beautiful and wonderful, Goddess Pocahontas has accepted me back into her stables and started to strip me of my freedoms - exiting 😃. Best of all she has changed my profile from that of me kneeling to a most wonderful picture of her - ahh, she is so hot, I want to masturbate to my profile picture. 💦 I better ask her if I may, she might not want me to start my service for her doing this…

UPDATE: Wow, my Goddess is so kind, she granted me the orgasm on my first day of servitude, what a fantastic generosity 🥰

The other perspective . I saw Ad_dayti on display on the public square today requesting his freedom - I know Goddesses hate to be pitied, but I can’t help to feel sorry for ScarletGoddess. She bought him on auction less than a week ago for more than 300 $ - I wonder what went wrong? - did she buy him against his will?

3 sleepless hours . I tried my new chastity cage tonight, if is surprisingly comfortable even though I lost 3 hours of sleep as I woke up horny at 3. It was not really an erection, but it wanted to be one 😳. I also tried peeing through the urethal tube - it was kind of cute ☺️. It lets out the finest thin jet, but requires a bigger pressure than expected. It is really neat though and not messy at all, everything goes through the tiny hole in the middle. Nice - I had feared that the urethal tube would make me a bed wetter 🤭, but nothing seems further from the truth 😊

Chastity Cage Challenges. If you have read my diary you will know, that my last chastity experience left me wounded and in despair - it was only a few days, so if was not on account of the abstinence and denial - but due to unforeseen challenges. Last time I was locked 🔒 up it was with a newly acquired chastity cage, bought for the sake of the plastic padlocks of which I had none,  but needed at least one to prove my confinement, abstinence and devotion to my fair Goddess Pocahontas. Back then I was in a relationship, of which I am now free and as I could not normally wear a chastity cage, I did so on a business trip, where I had no excuses. The day of my confinement was a hectic day to say the least, so I rushed to a local sex shop on my way to the airport and bought the cheapest though still grossly overpriced chastity cage with, plastic padlocks - a cage of silicone, which I decided to wear instead of the one I had of steel as this would allow me to get an extra day of confinement as I could pass through airport security with it. The dreaded airport security was no issue at all, but the silicone cage proved to be super visible, and needed to be tied down to avoid everyone’s attention but even worse it caused a swelling in my groin that within few days left me in a severe and bloody pain. That I had not seen coming, so before next time, I promised myself, to try a cage on my own before handing over the keys….and a few weeks ago, I got the urge again and bought a cage from Temu, low priced and surprisingly comfortable even with a quarter inch tube, 4 inches long up my urethra. But I have no place for 1000 padlocks I bought with it…it is so hard to think of everything…

I have applied my last healing cream - and my balls are no longer wounded. Actually it was a few days ago, but I have saved up to use my new rank, which should allow me to post pictures. So here goes - here is a picture from 11 days ago:

I have written about the pain and how I was hurt in blog entry from October 3rd. This blog entry is about the healing, feeling good again and how to recover well from your injuries - and I have recovered well and fast - I believe due to the great advice of my Goddess to apply healing cream. After a week with healing cream my balls were back to normal as you can see here below:

I have realized even though me and my last two Goddesses have had only the best of intentions - intentions of not hurting me so much that it would leave me marked, - then only my firsts doctor educated Goddess, has been able to leave me un marked after her tortures. My second Goddess burned me with birthday candles, which apparently burn much more than regular candles - which left me marked with something that could appeal as skin cancer for a few weeks - and later when my much loved Goddess Pocahontas ordered me to cover my penis and ball in candle wax, it was not the wax itself, but my lack of shaving that ended up scaring me when I had to cut and pull the wax out of my hair covered schrotum. I have not applied healing cream here - but it is still noticeable to the right of my penis in the picture above - even though that happened weeks ago. So I am very happy to see that I have healed my balls in only a week by applying healing cream - thanks for the advice Goddess ❤️

Loctober Low - Goddess have not been treated right, she has not felt the respect and devotion as a Goddess like her deserve - and it saddens me. She should be happy and feel pampered. She started to question why it is so, and then I started too. I think there is some sort of low in the slave market here in October - most competitions have no participants and the other competitions have only a few.  I have not been her for long but it seems like a low compared to August and September. I wonder if fall have set in with rain and mud and lowered the moods all around - but I also thought about how grumpy I get without release and maybe a third into locktober is just a low, with long since last release and even longer to the next release? In life there are phases, and maybe a third into locktober, is the equivalent of the teenage, where authority is questioned, fights are frequently and slaves feel insecure, tired and moody - well I don’t know, but it will be interesting to see if the pattern repeats next year. Until then Goddess, know that I admire your feet with great devotion.

Back to fun. I have had a great morning after a period of illness where I have also been healing my wounds, then I feel good once again, I feel devoted and happy. I have been allowed two ruined orgasms, I was filming and the first one did not pass expectation, so I had to do it again. Yippee it is good to have to do your favorite thing twice - and my favorite thing is to cum. I think it would have been slightly better if it was not ruined, but quite frankly from the depths of my sub space today I don’t know. I really enjoyed making the video - and I think it went well, so I’m all together proud, happy and relaxed. I needed that, my submission was starting to fail and I was starting to wonder why submitting at all. It had actually only been a little more than a week since my last orgasm, but in that week a lot of things went bad, so I really needed to feel good, to be reassured about this being right for me. Well this morning all went well for me, I even had a nice chat with Goddess, but I was sorry to hear that the new slaves had not treated her right, and misused her good nature. I hope she will take pleasure from watching my assignment from today and her tomorrow will bring her only joy.

Money Talks. I have so far tried to avoid the subject, but money is a part of this. For many dominants it is not only a lifestyle but also a living, to be a Goddess, and they are here and available in so many hours because it is a profession, hopefully a profession they love, but nonetheless it is how they make their living and how they make their money. That means that many in here will need income to pay their rent, get groceries and other normal expenses - and not the most sexy kind. For us slaves, there are expenses, there are tributes, fees on services, fees on gifts and fees on chastity log end cum log entries, fees on competitions, and for all there are fees on pictures on the public square. Findom is a turn on for a few slaves, but for me it is a big turn off and a hard limit. I’m okay with any fee, and understand and accept that there might be Goddesses out of my league, that I cannot afford, or who I can only afford for glimpse. It is however important for me that I can afford a Goddess and that I can meet and exceed financial expectations and hence give joy - I’m not bratty, I don’t like to provoke, disappoint or otherwise cause dissatisfaction. Saying no to a Goddess is a big turn off to me, and a frequent cause for my online break ups - I loose the trust and hence the desire if I feel I am being used. Hence for me it is important that the deal made is kept, and it is not exploited that I believe, I as a slave should say “Yes, Goddess” and not no. I said no today, and chose to fight it, instead of fleeing, as I generally like Goddess very much. I said no to giving her a gift, while hurt and after having procured a service not yet delivered. That the service is not delivered is no issue, but also no occasion to show gratitude. I expect to spend more than the negotiated fee, but I would expect the agreed costs to be the main part of the costs and after a trial I expect costs to resemble the trial costs.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” is a famous quote of the Danish philosopher Soeren Kirkegaard. I have not been good at living life forwards, but in here I do think that, I have lived life forwards and taken the opportunities that I have been given. Hence embarking on a chastity journey with a new Goddess and a new chastity cage without neither test or precaution was unlike me and one of life experiences, that I can now reflect and review backwards. I made the choice to buy a new cage to get otherwise unattainable tamper seals. I chose to use this cage to give my self a longer time in chastity, and to experience the thrill of passing through airport security locked up - but naturally I did it in an attempt to please my Goddess. In the last two journal entries, I have described the feelings and challenges of the first day, here is how the last day unfolded. I had reasonable pain all day at work, there was an ever present pain, but not a pain, I couldn’t hide, or a pain that prevented me from working. After work I took a taxi and went straight to the airport to face airport security, with my swollen balls tied to my right leg to reduce suspicion. I chose an airport security lane, guarded by only young women with guns - which seemed thrilling in the moment, but somewhat to my disappointment, it went super smooth and I was through it all in seconds. I was just left with the pain, and a long wait for the airplane as the flight was delayed. Once the flight finally boarded I realized that the airplane was melting hot. Male genitalia is much responsive to heat, and while male genitalia can almost disappear in the cold, as demonstrated with my second place finish in “Most Pitiful Cock Picture”, genitalia grow in heat, and my already hurting balls grow another size with an ever increasing pain as a direct result. The only relief was a limited relief of two minutes in the toilet, where I could set the balls free - but soon I was back to my seat for hours where the heat and the pain only got worse, peaking as the airplane started to decent. In the next airport I started a quick search for a toilet, and tried to cool my balls somewhat sitting with a naked crotch on the toilet for half an hour or so. Then the wait for the next plain started, again it was delayed to further increase my pain - and I realized I could not sit in the seat, but had to sit in the window until I was again boarding a plane with tropic temperatures. The pain was so bad, that I feared, that I would look ill in the eyes of the cabin crew - but the flight was kind of short so soon I was in the airport, where I was picked up by my farther, as my parents live near by. My mother had prepared port, snacks and other treats, but all I could think about was to hide my enormous hurting balls, and soon I went to bed. Goddess had allowed me to release myself from Chastity after verifying, so my plan was to sleep until I could release my balls, but with the pain sleep was no option. It was just an agonizing wait. At this time I estimate that my genitalia had the weight of half a kilo and I had to hold it upright so it would not squeeze itself. When time was up, I quickly verified and tried to fill how I freed myself, but cage and my balls had swollen into one, and it was so hard to get the cage off, that I had to give up filming and actually, I considered to cut it of - but in the end I got it off without surgery. It is now 16 hours ago, my balls are still swollen, and the skin of my balls has broken from the pressure all the way around and between, forming crust on the wounds . They look clearly scared, and I wonder how quick they will heal.

What I have understood here backwards is that I will never do it again, that I should have ended this on day 2, and contacted Goddess and I think that she would have understood. Some times when you live life forwards, you get brushed, but hopefully I will learn from it and be better at realizing when it is time to pause and talk it over.

30 hours of separation. Last night I felt the pain of separation - my silicone chastity cage had for 30 hours forced my tightly squeezed ball apart with a five millimeters thick cord buried deep between my ball. A super tight and very powerful elastic that put a constant pressure at the exact same spot between my blown up balls. The pain was almost unbearable and I was thinking about sharing my pain with my Goddess, but thought I should try to deal with it myself somehow before I came whining at her feet. My solution was a piece of cardboard which I forced between the silicone cord to a pain that made my eyes water - but once the cardboard was in place it distributed the pressure and made me feel better and good enough to go to dinner. I wore the cardboard for three hours, if was better - but not like before and then I realized that the pain could have had another cause - Goddess had had me worship her feet and finger my ass to show her my excitement, and while doing that my cock and balls had moved with the silicone contraction and it was after the excitement had ended, I had felt the pain. Once I realized the cause I hosed down my cock and balls in the shower with cold water and got everything readjusted and I have had a full night with a lot of sleep and a reasonable pain level in my crotch so I feel positive to start a new work day - and face airport security in chastity.

First day of chastity. I am on a business trip, I have a new employee joining in Poland, hence I am here to greet her welcome and give her a good start and an induction to the company. That means 4 days away from home - and hence a rare opportunity for Goddess to lock me up in chastity and make me completely hers - and she has wasted no time in doing so. I lost my tamper seals Sunday, so it all started with a bit of panic, as I needed to get new seals within a day. I could only achieve that task by procuring a new chastity cage in the local sex shop - a silicon cage with 5 tamper seals. The new cage in silicon did also allow for wearing it through airport security, so Goddess and I agreed that I should lock the new cage on yesterday, which I did. Hence I went straight into the new chastity cage without any trial, and I must live with the consequences of my decisions when installing the cage. I did what I I think a good boy should do - and installed it with the smallest cock ring, and with the tightest setting, that required some force, so it is now very tightly secured around my crotch. That do give a little pinching pain, but I think I will survive it just fine. The second issue I encountered is that cage naturally points straight forward - and hence it is naturally very visible through the pants, which I was thinking hard about through the first airport. In the second airport I found the solution, and tied it down to my right leg with a shoe lace, and hence like that it looks kind of natural it is silicone after all, though I might look bigger than I really am :-). I arrived late at the hotel last night, and had my first night with the cage. It is somewhat flexible due to the silicone, so I can get something of an erection in it, but when my cock grows it tightens and it really squeezes my balls and makes it somewhat painful, so I have woken up, more than planned - and worshipped Goddess more than planned - but I actually feel well rested, so maybe it was all for the better:-)

Three Goddesses, Two declined offers of ownership and now one lovely owner :-)

I’m now really a slave, I am now property and no longer free. My freedom lasted about a month in here - I am now owned and so far I like it - like in Uncle Tom’s Cabin life as a slave can be good with the right owner - and it is very good with Goddess Pocahontas. The story of Uncle Tom, and some of the insults you get from Dominatrixes in here has however also made it very clear to me that I could not be a happy slave for all. I do my best to serve and do not take neglect, insults and failure well, so I need a caring Goddess who appreciates a slave who try to do well, but sometimes lack the experience and ability to do so. My first trial Goddess in here was also much like that, and leaving her to try something else, was a very hard decision for me, for she was good and good for me, but she did not share my greatest passion and had no foot fetish of her own - so we could not share the core of my submission. The second Goddess did share my passion a little, but was more of a sadist to me, than one who really longed to be worshipped. I’m sure that there will be a masochist for her out there who will be truly happy with her and feel the deep submission they would both desire. I do however not feel that I could share her passion in happiness. The offers of ownership did also come from Dominatrixes, without a word without a single hi, hey or hello. That don’t do it for me, I need a deeper connection before I sign away my slave life- I care for my slavery and I care for my Goddess - the most awesome Goddess Pocahontas my owner and mentor 

Venus from Milo, Aphrodite from Samothrace and Pocahontas from Buenos Aires. It is like Christmas when you were 7 when your Goddess change her picture of worship (That is if you do not worship on of the top 3 Archgoddeses. In that case there is no wait and no excitement - and it is like getting an orgasm after a period of 2 seconds in chastity. I have tried it, it is not the same, not that special.) Today Goddess changed her picture and for hours I fantasized about how it would be, how fantastic it would be - peaking every hour, trying to see if time had come to open the present. It was not the picture I imagined it would be, but god, Goddess is beautiful - I’m sure if Thorvaldsen would have lived, he would have looked at her picture only for a second before he would have worked his magic on a piece of marble and turned her picture to a bust of esteemed beauty - Pocahontas from Buenos Aires - to be admired for generations :-)

This slave do not have the skills to do skills assessment. The first weeks in here I did not do skills assessments as I did not understand it - and I thought that I would be assessed on my assessment, and I should be able to do the first skills, which I wasn’t. Since I realized that there were no assessment of what I assessed, I have done them every day to get as much fame as possible. I do however still don’t get it, they are called skills hence can you or can you not - but the questions tend to be more like will you or will you not obey. For me it sometimes also end up being me assessing whether I get turned on by the task. Sometimes I think I can do a task under the right circumstances and see the glass as half full, other times I see glass as half empty and answer based on some conditions under which I cannot do it. I really do not have the skills for this…

A slaves point of view - it is only natural to see a Goddess from below. In an absolutely ecstatic moment after Goddess again met me in my fantasy and I was worshipping her feet, it came to me that it was unnatural to see her feet from above - in my fantasies, I imagine I should see her feet from below if not deprived sight. Hence pictures from below seem to catalyze the deepest emotions of submission and desire in me. The next thought was the thought of Goddess, and her point of view- what she would like to see. I’m sorry that I did not think of this first thing - but when I brought it up, she actually seemed more interested in my emotions of submission than in her point of view to me her slave. Nevertheless I have bought a selfie stick (never thought I should own such a thing - buying it was actually pushing my limits :D) - and now I plan to film my next assignment from above. Then we will see what Goddess thinks :)

How do people do anal? I have spend hours on the bathroom floor, trying to get an anal plug op my ass - and other hours in my bed trying to achieve the same. I have been able to get a finger sized plug up and have slept with it for hours - but the one plug with the width of a big cock is just not going up there. I have watched much anal porn, but until today I have not really appreciated how hard it is - but now I do understand why so many women pass on anal. I will have to learn anal though -I guess it is a must for a slave - and I’m happy that Goddess have shown me patience and made it our personal project. I love the thought of a longer term project with Goddess - it is so nice to share a common goal.

Am I safe? That is the question, I ask myself today. Goddess Pocahontas have given me tasks that I thought it would take months or years of service to get - I just started in here a month ago, and I have done very little submission before that - and the first two weeks in here, were kind of mild - I thought it was wild a week ago, but now it is at a whole new level. As a slave it is really hard, on one side being pushed to new boundaries is exiting, but how steep can a learning curve be, to be safe? If you run a marathon without training you will get injured, and I somehow believe that the same would apply in here - but on the other hand, I have so limited experience and I imagine that Goddess have seen so much, that she can judge, what is safe and what is not…I will take more time to think and prepare, but I will trust Goddess and give it a go - perhaps what looks like a marathon is just short sprint. I hope I will be safe…

Thinking with my dick. I had looked so much forward to this mornings first task from Goddess - last week was too busy for tasks and Sunday went out the window due to vanilla stuff, so I had built up quite a hive when the task finally arrived - and full of excitement and stress, I went straight to it - red it quickly, filmed and uploaded in a flash. What a dick move by me, I miss read a bit - red whack for whacks - did and filmed one where I should have done and filmed many - and hence I did not deliver something fully satisfactory…I knew it the moment it was too late. Sorry Goddess, this slave should have kept his cool, but lost it in excitement - thanks to Goddess, I quickly got a chance to redeem myself, it made my day - and I will try to be more cool in the future…the problem is just that Goddess is so hot, and I get so excited and then I think with my dick if I’m not careful. But I will strive to be careful for Goddess - no more dick thinking!

Nothing better than being met and accepted for what you are. My favorite quote from my favorite musician is “There is a crack in everything - that is how the light gets in”. We all have cracks, something that is us and something that is not tasteful in the eyes of the many - being met and accepted for your cracks is a wonderful feeling. I’m a foot guy, I got foot pictures yesterday - and without request or pressure, Goddess took initiative - and let me worship her feet.  There is nothing better than to be embraced for your “cracks”. I’m so happy today

Hakuna matata, is the carefree lifestyle of my favorite Disney character, Pumpa and his life companion, Timon. You can’t help to love the Disney characters, which are globally know, and hence some I often  use when I have to explain something while keeping the anonymity. I’m not Pumpa, carefree, silly and brave - but enjoy such company. Timon roughly translates into he who respects, that is likely more me. Wonder if Pocahontas is the little playful one, that the name translates into…she is certainly beautiful,. I can’t wait to play :)

Out of orbit for a day. This week is really crazy, my work is super busy and my weekend is full of family, so really not suited for slavery. So I thought I would take a break for a week after having ended my service to Goddess Rose, who was so kind to take me under her wings last week. After a day of freedom, I did however feel lost, out of orbit with no sun in my life. So I approached, Goddess Pocahontas, and she has allowed me to worship her. So now she is the sun of my slave life and the center of my universe - in this week I will still be an insignificant comet in the outer space, but I look forward to get closer to the sun next week.

I got a big assignment this weekend, one I could not solve in a day. There were many components, and some items I did not have on my list of toys - but nothing rare that I could not easy acquire ones Sunday turned to Monday. The hard part was that the assignment made me push my limits a bit, and made me do something, I hade never done before - and something, I had not thought, I would do - but again not something I had listed as a hard limit. I realized that this turned me on, so the 5 times I had to edge went unexpectedly quickly - and I felt super again - that is until the hot drips of candle wax hit my chest and replaced my hornyness with a burning pain.

I feel good, I feel relaxed and really nice. I was given a task tonight that matched my own kinks, what a privilege, and I feel totally zen. It is not often this happens in here, a Goddess have a strong will and her own desires and I have often been doing tasks that gave me no other satisfaction than to please my Goddess. Tonight I felt the pleasure of a ruined orgasm - I hope Goddess will enjoy it too.

Have you ever tried to write with a pen in your ass? I tried that today - I tried it a lot - 20 times or so, as it was not easy to get just my name written. Well Goddess generously did approve my writing, so kind of her - it was not my best work….

Slave learnings, 2nd Goddess, 3rd week. I have been nervous all day - Goddess has made me suffer all weak, and once she didn’t approve my assignment, though I had done the best I thought I could in the circumstances. Sometimes a resource is scarce, like ice, and ones used, it will take time to get more - and I believe that no Goddess like to wait. In such a situation you as a slave have a choice, if you have made an almost perfect video, but also only almost as instructed - either the slave can wait for the ice to freeze again or you can send the almost perfect video and hope for the best. I had such a decision this morning, and chose to send a video, that perhaps had a minor imperfection. I feared sending it, as I love to please, and feel really bad when I feel I fail - pain gives me no pleasure in it self, the only thing in it for me is if I can feel, that my suffering was enjoyed by Goddess, but if she enjoys it, I enjoy to suffer for her, for her reaction. Sometimes all you get as a slave is an approval, but today she not only approved the video, she also wrote that she enjoyed seeing me suffer - she warmed my heart and made my day

A day of first. Goddess Rose started slow on me, but today she cranked it up - It was a busy day, a day of first and a very good day. I’m 48. I once had medical camera up my ass as part of a cancer treatment, but except for that, I have never had any thing up my ass until today. I had twelve ice cubes up my ass today, it was actually not noticeable cold, it was more of a bloody and painful experience. My sphincter would not let the ice cubes in easily, so it was profound unpleasant experience getting the cubes past the sphincter, it also drew some blood, though that pain was minimal. My second task was more of a sharp pain, as I was to close a hard covered book over my testicles 5 times, 4 times out of 5 it was sharp but quick pain, the last time the pain was a sharp and profound pain that caused sickly feelings for up to a minute. The last experience was true pleasure though in an extremely hard position for my stiff and inflexible 48 year old body, I was allowed to cum, with shoulders on the ground, my ass raised up agains the wall, and my cock pointing towards my mouth - it was a struggle to get in position, but once there I quickly released to the thought of the boots of Goddess Rose. No salty taste could limited the privileged feeling of gratitude and joy - thank you Goddess Rose - to cum to the thought of your boots was a fantastic feeling.

Nev Goddess, New start. I got my first assignment from Goddess Rose today, I’m so happy I got it, I hope she will be happy with how I completed it. It has been a big relief for me to get it, my last Goddess had me completing tasks for her in no time - Goddess Rose have taken time to get to know me a little and we have struggled with time differences and my lack of availability. I don’t think I have handled it well, I have been too confused and too emotional about the difficult start, I should have been more patient and positive. Thank god, that Goddess was more cool and collected. I am grateful.

A feet guy huh - was what Goddess DommyBitch labeled me, after I had been begging her for a picture of her feet for weeks. I am a feet guy, I guess - I really likes to worship feet. I understand that I as a slave have no idea about what it takes to be a Goddess, that heels may be uncomfortable and foot beauty may require effort or beauty Spa’s that may be far apart - but this slave really loves feet. So Goddess DommyBitch allowed this slave to leave, and now it may worship Goddess Rose’s most wonderful feet - I think she wears the highest heels with the highest arches - happy, happy, happy slave.

Punishment if you fail - those were the words after the task description in my present assignment. A very difficult assignment, I might add - I doubt it can solved with traditional thinking and my physique - but like in the tv show “task master”, bending the rules or alternative reading and can make almost anything possible. The question for this slave was then, should it bend the rules a little to seemingly solve the task as requested - or would I please Goddess more, by giving it a go,  be true to the task and fail so she may punish me for inadequacies. I went for the last solution today, wonder what punishment awaits me…

A full day of silence. I did not hear from Goddess today. She is on a different clock and is mostly online while I’m asleep - so it could just be that we missed each others, and she just went to bed a bit like normal people and didn’t stay up all night. I hope she had a good day - and went to sleep when she felt like it. My day was the most vanilla since I joined - I mostly just watched my national football team take the first win in nations league. It was the first match with a new coach and a new team - a new beginning and a really good match.

I was just a cow - should I have been a cash-cow? I disappointed Goddess and was punished this morning. Only fair, I guess - I managed to cum 7 times in 48 hours - I think it should have been the double, and a young stud could likely do 4 times as good as me. To let Goddess see every time, I had to gift her 8 times, and one of them failed to load, so I had to gift again - another was in so poor quality that I doubled the fee - hence 9$ for 7 times - four times that would have been 36$ and made a young stud a happy cash -cow. I’m just a cow, sorry Goddess.

A soft assignment getting hard, or a hard assignment going soft. Yesterday morning Goddess gave me a new assignment - an assignment on time, assignment of 48 hours. I had to cum as much as possible in the next 48 hours, and she wanted to see it every time. Easy I thought, fantastic I thought have not had an orgasm for days, the first one was easy and fantastic. Reality hit when I tried to get number two, I am a sexually insecure and nervous soul, and when under pressure my dick go soft. It is the reason why my sex life is almost nonexistent, why my girl friend and I very rarely have sex, and why when we do it is always be going down on her. I have disappointed so many girls in my vanilla life, and it has caused so many breakups, as few women can live with a limp dick. It is a psychological and not physical and so far unsolvable for me. Yesterday was a busy day full of meetings, and that increased the psychological pressure on me, so the results for the first 24 hours was 3 ejaculations and many more failures, with accompanying guilt. The ejaculations are good - the failures bad, overall still happy :-)

Pavlov’s dogs and toothpaste. The Russian psychologist Ivan Pavlov provoked his dogs to a conditioned response to a neutral stimulus, when feeding his dogs to a metronome - so when ever the metronome was one the dog’s mouth would water. I had expected some sort of classical conditioning- but I had expected it to shoes or feet, but Goddess have made me play so much with toothpaste, that I get a little hard on every time I brush my teeth. Not exactly what I had hoped for - but still a new experience :-)

Goddess said yes to play with me yesterday after my last blog update. What a thrill - I’m a happy, happy, happy slave :-) <3. But what about Goddess? I know she likes to play with me…but I wonder why…and let’s just start by bypassing the financials, they are part of it, but you can earn money in so many ways - and this blog post is not about the money. I have come up with three theories for why a Goddess keeps slaves - 1. It makes her juices flow :-). Slaves get turned on by their Mistress and hope their Mistress get turned on by them - I do however fear that juices far from always flows from Goddess’s. 2. We make them smile - and entertain like cat videos on the internet.  3 and perhaps most likely they get joy from been greeted like a pet, or a small child and feel the platonic love, for those who love them unconditionally 

Slave hardship is the heading of my thoughts this morning. As a slave you should serve when your Goddess wants you to serve - that can sometimes be hard enough in itself. This morning I do however feel that the hardest part is when Goddess, do not require you to serve. I on occasion call Goddess, Archgoddess as she is top 3 in the rankings. So she has her 12 pink plate slaves, owned in full, at least a couple of white plate slaves, that are displayed as owned and only Goddess knows how many she plays with like me. That is all fine, as it should be - her stable should hold all she could desire. However, even though I believe she has a huge heart and a place for all her slaves in it, it is a lot slaves, with a lot of hopes for a pet on the shoulder, a task, a purpose - and a good boy. I imagine her inbox in full to the brink whenever she is in here, and I have noticed that when online, she seems to need hours to get through to me. I imagine that her top slaves, or her young hunks take priority - which again is all fine, it is just hard to predict when to be available, when the time is there when her whims could be catered by me. I did not find such timing yesterday, and I have missed her, and has an ever present tiny fear, that what I have been able to give, have not been enough…

Mind map of this slave: Got an assignment: “You’re going to make a striptease for Goddess. From all dressed to all naked. I want a good song!” Slave thoughts: Hard - Fear of failure- exited. What to do? A good song? First thought - La Bomba, but that is a wrong thought if slave was master and Goddess  was - no no no. No such thoughts allowed. Must be a good song for Goddess- Hard - have not talked music with Goddess- ok got to think- most people develop their taste for music while in their teens - Goddess is 35, and so bright, she likely developed early- hence Music of 2001 and 2002 perhaps? First thought Britney, Slave for you - Is that a good call? Goddess might be more of an Avril Lavigne type - perhaps Skaterboy? - ohh I think it was in these years I studied in Barcelona - from Otto Zuts to the Baja Beach Club it was all Shakira - difficult choice…well I will have to work, must decide tonight…

Sleep and submission will be the topic for this diary entry. I started this journey - this trial with a roller coaster of emotions and heavy heart beats fueled by thrill, fear and excitement. In one way fantastic feelings and just what I was looking for - on the other hand something that resulted in sleep deprivation. I came out of the weekend happy and exited, but also spend and lacking sleep. Monday and Tuesday nights I also could not sleep and kept waiting hoping my Goddess would be there for hours, and then when she was there it was wonderful - and when the alarm sounded and it was time for a new workday, I had hardly slept. Wednesday at work was tough - god was I tired. I went early and exhausted to bed, with many hours on the clock before the alarm would ring - but woke up during the night as men my age do and found Goddess online. I had a lovely time in the middle of the night - then a few hours sleep and today I was like a new person - so now I will try again. It is 9 a clock, I say god night and pray that I will wake up exactly when Goddess, will feel like seeing me. Sleep tight everyone 

This really should have been a cum log entry - but I failed :( Goddess had given me the task to cum by touching myself as if my dick was my clitty. Nice assignment I thought - I get to touch myself, I get to cum with only a minor restriction - I thought this is going to be nice. Boy was I wrong, I’m not of the superior sex, and my dick did not like to be treated as woman - after many and hard tries, I had to report failure to my goddess, soft clit in hand…

The weekend was a thrilling adventure - never before have I filmed myself so much - never before have I filmed myself so naked and in such compromising situations and positions. Though all without breaking anonymity - which is hard limit for me. Truly exiting - and fun. Today was a work day - and with another humiliating assignment awaiting me, which I couldn’t check off before just before bed time. Wonder if my Goddess get the same kick out of it. She has been kind though - and allowed me some freedom over my orgasms - I thought about rubbing the boner out I got during tonight’s session - but decided I better not. I will just edge my self a bit to her pictures and go to bed :-)

I signed up two days ago… the first day was completely uneventful, i browsed a bit and that was all. Yesterday I logged in again - and I got a hi and hey - and later a Hello.  3 words, two Goddesses and a Queen. I started chatting with two, one asked me to worship her, which I did - another wanted me to buy a trial - I thought long and hard about it for an hour - and then I bought the trial. I live with my physical girl friend, so I could not do much yesterday, when she was home - so, I have so far only done a bit of instructed edging. Not much in activity - but quite a bit in emotions and lost sleep. Let’s see where it brings me…